prepare to be offended

so yesterday i made another connection. as i was wandering around the office trying to kill time (and find free food), i noticed a very feminine smell that smelled... well... great. i then noticed a fairly large lady around the next corner who must have walked past and left her scent for me to walk through.

then, in the same day, i was walking around the office again and ended up following a larger lady who really smelled just awesome. it smelled like i could've been skipping through a meadow of flowers and fruit trees. seriously. so anyways, that led me to do a little bit of thinking about women and smell, and i came up with this handy chart.

if you're one of those people who think that being fat is a sensitive topic, or that somebody's perception of body size is just rude and/or demeaning, i'll leave it at this graph. if you're not, and you know how rediculous i am and how i really don't mean anything by what i type here, read on. and by the way, i used to be a fat kid. a smelly fat kid. i'm allowed.

now, a little explanation. the scale runs from 0 (horrible smelling) to 10 (makes my mouth water). the smallest women, indicated on the "small" side of the graph, usually smell just alright. this is probably due to the fact that they shower like the rest of us, and don't tend to misuse or over-apply perfume because they're probably pretty alright looking and can attract attention without the use of rediculous perfume. we get a little dip while marching up on the size axis, and this is most likely due to the fact that just-alright looking girls a. are a little bit less than "average" size and b. usually don't take very good care of themselves due to the fact that even with some help from perfume, they still are gonna be just mediocre. the next little dip we see is in the "average" range. this is due heavily to the presence of tomboys in this are. tomboys are the girls who think they are boys, and tend to dress a lot like them with baggy pants, big shirts, backwards caps, and overly pronounced moustaches. what they don't know is that while they look like guys (sometimes causing me great confusion), they also smell like a guy. which is to say... horrible. moving on. here we can see quantitative graphical evidence which supports my theory discovered by walking around the office yesterday that girls who fall just above and beyond "average" tend to smell the best. why? i don't really know. maybe it's the missing piece of the puzzle to their attractiveness, maybe they think that if they smell good, we'll ignore the fact that they're a little larger. i couldn't care less about a girl's size, really, but there's just somethign about obnoxious perfume that makes me sneeze. the scent peaks somewhere around
middle-aged, stopped excersizing when i got married, work in an office lady. from there, there is a sharp dive towards the negative, probably stemming from b.o., homelessness, or mayonaise. there you have it. my findings. i could fit this curve with another equation, but i'm way too lazy and smell a little bit too bad because of my laziness to care.